True Tales of the Reference Desk

I've often said that one's profession skews your sense of reality and humanity. Think. A dentist has to think that everyone has bad teeth (most of what he does is encounter and deal with people with teeth problems). An MD must think everyone is in ill health (most of the people in good health won't come and see him, right?). I shudder to think of a gynecologist's world view! A librarian? We really think everyone is stupid - we don't deal much with those of you who are intelligent; you ask a question, get some assistance, and carry on smartly. Mostly, we deal with morons who don't know how to zip up their pants or put in tampons. A case in point ...

It's Saturday and I've got the entire 9am - 5pm desk shift to myself. Occasional "where's the bathroom?" questions are spiced up by showing the "cute chix" at the circulation desk how to create faux barcodes in order to steal books is suddenly ground into reality when SHE shows up.

SHE: Where's your stuff on the Praxis exam? (note: Missouri ed certificate certification exam.)

ME: I can look up what we have, but we don't have much since we have a separate education library on the South Campus. Even if I find something it's probably there. (I look up "praxis" and "education" and sure enough determine that all the relevant materials are on the South Campus.)

SHE: You know, it would really make sense if you had stuff in this library on the Praxis exam.

ME: We don't have infinite space. In fact, we ship stuff off to the Depository Library in order to keep adding stuff in this building. That's why we have a separate Education Library - it's designed to house the materials for Education students.

SHE: Well, I'm taking the exam right now (!) and during the break I thought I'd get some help on the test. You people on this side of the campus have always hated us. I've written lots of letters to the administration on this in the last 20 years I've been a student here (!).

ME: Um, OK. Do you want to register a complaint?

SHE: No, it's just really obvious you don't want to help education students.

WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY ...

SHE: Where's your stuff on the Praxis exam? (note: Missouri ed certificate certification exam.)

ME: Go to the South Campus Education Library. They can help you with this.

SHE: You know, it would really make sense if you had stuff in this library on the Praxis exam.

ME: Glad you know better how to manage our library than we do. When we have infinite space and infinite funding, we'll have everything that everybody wants.

SHE: Well, I'm taking the exam right now (!) and during the break I thought I'd get some help on the test. You people on this side of the campus have always hated us. I've written lots of letters to the administration on this in the last 20 years I've been a student here (!).

ME: What? You didn't prepare properly for the exam and you're looking to cheat on it right now? What's your problem? We don't hate education students, but you're a typical example of what a bunch of morons want to become teachers. "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach." Ever hear of that? And what's this 20 years bullshit? Who spends 20 years pursuing a degree? I'll tell you: repressed wannabe intellectuals who don't have the chops to pull it off. Um, OK. Do you want to register a complaint?

SHE: No, it's just really obvious you don't want to help education students.

ME: Fuck off, twit. Either get yourself committed, find some idiot guy to give his first blowjob so you can be taken care of for life, or face up to the fact that in the next five years you're going to be focussing on which exhaust grate in downtown is warmest as you try to figure out how you became homeless.

SHE: But I'm a taxpayer! You HAVE to help me!

ME: Here's your dime (reach in my pocket, pull it out, press it into her palm).